Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I Am Happy To Announce...

...That Dr. Zaius has offered me a bribe made me an offer I can't refuse: to become the Minister of UFOs should he become the next President!

I am happy to accept.

He did have some conditions though, as he requires more information on my platform suggestions, since I should also become Happy Hour Czar and Minister of Appetizers. (I thought both those departments should go together for efficiency's sake.)

Without further ado, I make the following affirmations so the Zaius/Gregarious '08 campaign can vet me properly.
I - I completely and utterly swear undying allegiance to Happy Underpants, Puppies, Rainbows, Kittens, Moonbeams and Chocolate Cake; the centerpieces of the Campaign. In fact, I am busy composing a song about such. More details later.
II - As for the position of Happy Hour Czar, there are a few details to attend to.
  • First, there shall be a national Happy Hour. It will begin at 3:00 pm local time and end at 9:00 pm local time. Yes, you might have noticed that this is SIX hours. That's for the heavy drinkers. For everyone else, just be happy at least one hour during that time.

  • Next, this shall be the Official Swizzle Stick:

(Yes yes yes, I KNOW there's a fez on this one, but I had to hedge my bets that Dr. Monkey von Monkerstein might win, but the basatard dropped out and I am stuck with several gross of cases of these in inventory, so there you go.)

III - The appetizer thing is a little more problematic. I would decree that all appetizers be artistic, such as this one:

  • However, this appetizer below passes too, and appears to be one I want to make immediately disappear off of my plate, despite how much I really admire that bologna critter above:

I shall evidently have to hire a Deputy Of Dipping Sauces; I'll get back to you on candidates.
I look forward to serving my constituency.
Humbly -